We leave for Quebec in 5 days!!!
We can see Erik for 3 hours on Wednesday night, and his big graduation is on Thursday at 2pm.
I
Can't
Wait!!!!!
I'm excited to see the big production that is graduation, the parade, the soldiers in their parade dress. I know there will be alot of tears that day, as the pride pours through. I will also be crying tears of relief, that we made it through being apart for 3 months, and we will finally be all together again.
I'm looking forward to living in our own space again, on our own, with no outside interference. Don't get me wrong, I love my in laws, and I love my mom, but sometimes, having their input on every...little...thing can make you want to scream. This has really been the hardest few months of my life, but surprisingly, the majority of it has not been from my kids, the majority of the stress and anxiety has been due to input from family, from stuff like finances, to who I can have as freinds, and in general being made to feel like I need to prove my worth everyday.
For alot of the time Erik has been away, I have been made to feel like I don't deserve to have the husband that I have, the life that i have, or the support that I have from friends and family. I have been made to feel like nothnig I ever do or say will ever bee good enough, and for the most part, like I'm not good enough to be part of the family.
But, I know that God puts people together with who they are ment to be with. When you marry, he separates you from your family, so that you and your loved one can create a hole new family, and in the end, how his family see's me doesn't matter.
I am working on being able to speak up about these kinds of things, and I am learning how to better control how I let other make me feel, and how to not let them interfere with my emotions.
I have learned that when its ment to be, love can sustain you for no matter how long you are apart. That not having him here every night isn't punishment, its a blessing in disguise. Having him here with me every night is a blessing, and I can't wait for him to be home.
Our girls mark off each day on the calendar until we leave for his graduation. Tiana asks me constantly how much longer until we go get daddy. They keep reminding me that they need to take their " daddy bears", and that they're going to sleep in a hotel on an adventure.
5. More. days!!!
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Monday, February 16, 2009
14 business days and counting.....
Until my husband comes home.
I can't believe it!
Thank you to everyone who commented and checked in on me after my last post, I was really, really in a bad place that day. I have never felt so down, so completely bare, and bruised. I really appreciate the good friends that I do have, and its times like that that it really proves to you that you are not alone, so thanks alot Ni, for bringing me back to a bit of light, and helping me realize that I don't have to be alone.
This week and next week, Erik will spend in the field. He told me last night in our last conversation that he will be "kidnapped" this week or next week sometime, by the sister platoon, to be held hostage. it his his duty as a Canadian Solider to escape, or die trying, (not literally) before his platoon rescues him. They nominated him due to the outstanding improvements that he has made while there, and because of his outstanding leadership that he has proven thus far.
We will head to Richelain, Quebec on March 4th for Erik's graduation parade on March 5th. If things go well, he will be coming home with us on the 6th. Keep your fingers crossed!!
I have also developed a plan to help myself out of this place that I am in right now. I know that for my own sanity, and so I don't commit complete social suicide ( my friends list is so short, its standing on the edge of a bridge wanting to jump), I have decided that I want and need to go back to school. I have a program chosen, and after my mothers recent hospital stay (she was released today), I know it is the perfect choice for me.
Once things are settled with Erik into his posting, I will be applying for school, and I am SO excited for that! The course is 2 years long, and not crazy expensive, so I will be able to pay for it without financial aid.
On a different note, my girls got a present in the mail from their daddy today....they each recieved a small black grizzly bear, with a beret and military battle gear on. They are SO adorable!!! Kallie walks around the house with hers, saying " my daddy...", and Tiana's is up in bed, waiting for her to sleep with.
14 more LONG business days.
Almost there!
I can't believe it!
Thank you to everyone who commented and checked in on me after my last post, I was really, really in a bad place that day. I have never felt so down, so completely bare, and bruised. I really appreciate the good friends that I do have, and its times like that that it really proves to you that you are not alone, so thanks alot Ni, for bringing me back to a bit of light, and helping me realize that I don't have to be alone.
This week and next week, Erik will spend in the field. He told me last night in our last conversation that he will be "kidnapped" this week or next week sometime, by the sister platoon, to be held hostage. it his his duty as a Canadian Solider to escape, or die trying, (not literally) before his platoon rescues him. They nominated him due to the outstanding improvements that he has made while there, and because of his outstanding leadership that he has proven thus far.
We will head to Richelain, Quebec on March 4th for Erik's graduation parade on March 5th. If things go well, he will be coming home with us on the 6th. Keep your fingers crossed!!
I have also developed a plan to help myself out of this place that I am in right now. I know that for my own sanity, and so I don't commit complete social suicide ( my friends list is so short, its standing on the edge of a bridge wanting to jump), I have decided that I want and need to go back to school. I have a program chosen, and after my mothers recent hospital stay (she was released today), I know it is the perfect choice for me.
Once things are settled with Erik into his posting, I will be applying for school, and I am SO excited for that! The course is 2 years long, and not crazy expensive, so I will be able to pay for it without financial aid.
On a different note, my girls got a present in the mail from their daddy today....they each recieved a small black grizzly bear, with a beret and military battle gear on. They are SO adorable!!! Kallie walks around the house with hers, saying " my daddy...", and Tiana's is up in bed, waiting for her to sleep with.
14 more LONG business days.
Almost there!
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Breaking Point....
Ever feel like you've reached the end, can't go any further, don't know what to do, or if there is anything that can be done??
I think I'm there.
I'm so tired.
Tired of not existing, but tired of existing.
I'm tired of feeling unimportant. Unneeded.
I have spent most of my young life putting everyone else's needs first. my family. My husband, my so called friends. And yet, in my greatest time of need, not one of my friends will stop to take 5 minutes of of their lives to even ask how I am.
I feel so used. As if once I'm done giving what someone wants, I'm pushed away, swept under the rug, whatever you want to call it.
I realize now that I don't have many REAL friends. none that would drop anything in my time of need to be with me. No one to come and talk when I have had a hard day. All I get is " If I can find time", or " I don't know if I can make it", or " I'm too busy".
I sat in the hospital for 9 hours yesterday. Not one person texted me to see how things were. Not one person called to check on things. I heard not a single, comforting voice the entire time. I spent the hours pacing, sitting along the corridor outside of the surgery suite waiting for someone to come out to tell me my mom was ok. Everyone else I saw there had friends, or loved ones there to go through the extremely stressful time of the unknown with them.
I had no one but me.
Hell, come last night, when Erik phoned, he didn't know that my mom was just out of surgery. He had completely forgotten that her surgery was that day, even though I had spoken to him about an hour before we went to the hospital. I feel as though the one person in this world who is supposed to be there with me (even though at the moment, he can only be there with words) has emotionally abandoned me. Not once since he's been gone has he asked about how i was. It took until yesterday for me to clue into that. He always asks about everyone else, but not me.
Why am I expected to always have myself "together?" Why am I always expected to be the strong one? Why is it that when I break down, I have no one?
When will I be seen for the selfless person that I am striving to be? I try my hardest to do everything and anything I can for anyone who needs me, but yet, whenever anything happens in my life, I am just expected to hold my shit together. Where are my friends and family when I need them? Why can't I be treated as important as everyone who is important to me?
I'm running completely on empty. I have nothing left to give, to contribute to a world that can't contribute anything back.
But, come tomorrow, I will wash away the tears from the night before, apply makeup to cover the circles from no sleep, and trudge on through another day. I don't know why I do this to myself. Maybe its because I am seeking the true relationship of friendship, maybe its because i still feel like I need to prove myself to everyone.
This is how I feel.
This is my life.
I think I'm there.
I'm so tired.
Tired of not existing, but tired of existing.
I'm tired of feeling unimportant. Unneeded.
I have spent most of my young life putting everyone else's needs first. my family. My husband, my so called friends. And yet, in my greatest time of need, not one of my friends will stop to take 5 minutes of of their lives to even ask how I am.
I feel so used. As if once I'm done giving what someone wants, I'm pushed away, swept under the rug, whatever you want to call it.
I realize now that I don't have many REAL friends. none that would drop anything in my time of need to be with me. No one to come and talk when I have had a hard day. All I get is " If I can find time", or " I don't know if I can make it", or " I'm too busy".
I sat in the hospital for 9 hours yesterday. Not one person texted me to see how things were. Not one person called to check on things. I heard not a single, comforting voice the entire time. I spent the hours pacing, sitting along the corridor outside of the surgery suite waiting for someone to come out to tell me my mom was ok. Everyone else I saw there had friends, or loved ones there to go through the extremely stressful time of the unknown with them.
I had no one but me.
Hell, come last night, when Erik phoned, he didn't know that my mom was just out of surgery. He had completely forgotten that her surgery was that day, even though I had spoken to him about an hour before we went to the hospital. I feel as though the one person in this world who is supposed to be there with me (even though at the moment, he can only be there with words) has emotionally abandoned me. Not once since he's been gone has he asked about how i was. It took until yesterday for me to clue into that. He always asks about everyone else, but not me.
Why am I expected to always have myself "together?" Why am I always expected to be the strong one? Why is it that when I break down, I have no one?
When will I be seen for the selfless person that I am striving to be? I try my hardest to do everything and anything I can for anyone who needs me, but yet, whenever anything happens in my life, I am just expected to hold my shit together. Where are my friends and family when I need them? Why can't I be treated as important as everyone who is important to me?
I'm running completely on empty. I have nothing left to give, to contribute to a world that can't contribute anything back.
But, come tomorrow, I will wash away the tears from the night before, apply makeup to cover the circles from no sleep, and trudge on through another day. I don't know why I do this to myself. Maybe its because I am seeking the true relationship of friendship, maybe its because i still feel like I need to prove myself to everyone.
This is how I feel.
This is my life.
Surgery update, and rant.
Surgery was successful, and all went perfectly.
They had a hard time stabilizing my moms pain control, but they now have her on Morphine every 6 minutes to help the pain.
Now the rant.
I never write about my sister because she is a waste of fucking air. I know this seems harsh, but honestly, when nothing benefits her, she's as reliable as a snail.
The only thing I begged of her was to watch my girls so I could be at the hospital, learning how to support my mother when she is discharged and recovering at home. This means getting her in and out fo bed, bathed, dressed, up and down stairs, in and out of chairs, etc. I have not asked her once to help with prescription costs, or costs of the rental equipment that she needs in place here at home she she can be home safely. I have even gone as far as to give her some money to do things with my girls through the day so that they are occupied, and not staring into a tv all day.
She watched them yesterday while my mom was in surgery. Ya fucking hoo.
She swore to me, promised me on my mothers recovery that she would be here by 8:30 am so i could be at the hospital for 9am to meet with my physiotherapist to start learning how to do things.
She hasn't shown up.
Go figure.
Now, I need to find babysitting arrangments for my kids until Monday when my mother is discharged.
She's fucked with the wrong person.
Her days of being a blood sucker to me and my mother are OVER.
I mean, honestly, is it so wrong of me to expect her to hold up to her agreement to be here on time when I am doing everything else on my own?
Stressed out. Exhausted.
Nothing I can do though.
They had a hard time stabilizing my moms pain control, but they now have her on Morphine every 6 minutes to help the pain.
Now the rant.
I never write about my sister because she is a waste of fucking air. I know this seems harsh, but honestly, when nothing benefits her, she's as reliable as a snail.
The only thing I begged of her was to watch my girls so I could be at the hospital, learning how to support my mother when she is discharged and recovering at home. This means getting her in and out fo bed, bathed, dressed, up and down stairs, in and out of chairs, etc. I have not asked her once to help with prescription costs, or costs of the rental equipment that she needs in place here at home she she can be home safely. I have even gone as far as to give her some money to do things with my girls through the day so that they are occupied, and not staring into a tv all day.
She watched them yesterday while my mom was in surgery. Ya fucking hoo.
She swore to me, promised me on my mothers recovery that she would be here by 8:30 am so i could be at the hospital for 9am to meet with my physiotherapist to start learning how to do things.
She hasn't shown up.
Go figure.
Now, I need to find babysitting arrangments for my kids until Monday when my mother is discharged.
She's fucked with the wrong person.
Her days of being a blood sucker to me and my mother are OVER.
I mean, honestly, is it so wrong of me to expect her to hold up to her agreement to be here on time when I am doing everything else on my own?
Stressed out. Exhausted.
Nothing I can do though.
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Surgery Day
Well, were finally here.
My mom goes in a little later today for Total Knee Replacement Surgery. Very serious surgery for her, and I am petrified.
Admitting at 12 noon, surgery at 1:30pm. I'm not sure how long the surgery will take, but I do know that following surgery she will be in the hospital up to 7 days.
Once all is said and done, I will update with how things went.
Wish us luck!
My mom goes in a little later today for Total Knee Replacement Surgery. Very serious surgery for her, and I am petrified.
Admitting at 12 noon, surgery at 1:30pm. I'm not sure how long the surgery will take, but I do know that following surgery she will be in the hospital up to 7 days.
Once all is said and done, I will update with how things went.
Wish us luck!
Monday, February 2, 2009
Yay! A new post!
I've been a very busy girl!
Road trips, packing, unpacking.....too much going on.
Erik is doing well, he left this morning for his first week " in the field". I wont hear from him again until Saturday, but I know he will do great in the field!
He returns to base Saturday, and spends week 10 there. Weeks 11 and 12 are back in the field, and his last week, week 13 is spent preparing for his graduation, on March 5th. I can't wait to see him in his battle dress, in the parade. I am so proud!
Next week we will get his posting orders, and, well, I'm nervous about this. My mom is having major surgery next week, and will be out of work to recouperate for the next 6 months, and I know she really needs me here for that. I'm really afraid that we will get shipped across the country, but, I guess we can't count chickens until they are hatched.
So, the remainder of this week will be spend packing up my clothes, the kids clothes, and making sure our rooms are clean and squared away for us leaving. I'm nervous that I'll forget something here that I know I'll need, but I can only take so much. I have a few days to go back and forth and get things squared away, so I'm sure it will all work in the end!
In the losing weight department...well. I'm doing fantastic! I'm down 45 lbs, and 6 pant sizes...I actually went and bought new jeans the other day, and I freaked out cause they are size 34!!!!! I haven't fit into a size 34 since 2003!!!
Road trips, packing, unpacking.....too much going on.
Erik is doing well, he left this morning for his first week " in the field". I wont hear from him again until Saturday, but I know he will do great in the field!
He returns to base Saturday, and spends week 10 there. Weeks 11 and 12 are back in the field, and his last week, week 13 is spent preparing for his graduation, on March 5th. I can't wait to see him in his battle dress, in the parade. I am so proud!
Next week we will get his posting orders, and, well, I'm nervous about this. My mom is having major surgery next week, and will be out of work to recouperate for the next 6 months, and I know she really needs me here for that. I'm really afraid that we will get shipped across the country, but, I guess we can't count chickens until they are hatched.
So, the remainder of this week will be spend packing up my clothes, the kids clothes, and making sure our rooms are clean and squared away for us leaving. I'm nervous that I'll forget something here that I know I'll need, but I can only take so much. I have a few days to go back and forth and get things squared away, so I'm sure it will all work in the end!
In the losing weight department...well. I'm doing fantastic! I'm down 45 lbs, and 6 pant sizes...I actually went and bought new jeans the other day, and I freaked out cause they are size 34!!!!! I haven't fit into a size 34 since 2003!!!
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