I feel like a rollercoaster is inside of me...

Remembrance Day yesterday here, and Veterans Day for the US folk.

What a terribly hard day for me.

I went with my mother in law and father in law, as well s the kids, downtown to see the placing of the wreaths at the cenitaph, as well as the parade of soldiers, RCMP, city police, and veterans.

It was absolutely breath taking. Seeing all of those who fight for our country, as well as our city marching past in their battle dress, as well as seeing all of the people who came to pay respect to these men and women who are here presently to fight, and who came to honor those who have fought and fallen.

Knowing where Erik is, and what he is in training to do, seeing these men and women marching past put things into a hole new perspective for me. It was such an emotional rollercoaster for me, to watch those soliders march past. Grief washed over me, grief like I have never felt before. I felt the grief of every military mom and wife who have ever lost someone in battle. I felt anger, anger at all of the lifes that had been taken so unneccesarily.

I also felt pain. The biggest pain I have ever felt. Of loneliness, and of heartbreak. Pain from fear, and pain from uncertainty.

Yesterday marked day 3 of Erik being gone, and it was the absolute worst day emotionally for me. I knew that I was going to break down at some point yesterday. I knew I jad to hold it together until Erik phoned, because if he sensed the slighted bit of despair in my voice, he would leave everything in a heartbeat, just so that I would not hurt for him anymore.

And then it came.

He phoned.

We talked for 5 minutes, and then he was gone. I don't know when I will hear from him again.

After I hung up the phone, the tears came. The most painful tears I have ever cried. I would not wish the pain that I have right now on my worst enemy. To go from being with him everyday, and having him next to me at night, the good night kisses, all the sweet "I love you's", and even the smell of him (or his favorite deodorant), to being alone day in and day out, not knowing when I will hear his voice again. Knowing that I will go to bed alone, in my big bed, with no one to curl up with when I have a bad dream, having no one whisper I love you to me before I close my eyes, having no one to kiss goodnight, is the worst pain I have ever felt.

To hear his voice for only 5 minutes, and hearing in his voice how exhausted he is, and how much he is going through for the safety and security of our family is also heartbreaking.

To have the love of my life so far away, and not knowing the smallest details of how his days are, is terrifying to me.

I am counting down the longest days of my life, until he comes home for the best 3 weeks I will ever have with him. He will be flying home on December 11th for christmas vacation, to leave again January 4th.

Until December 11th, I will be strong. I will try to hold my head up, and face each day with new eyes, and make the best of where I am and what I have to do each day. I will do whats best for my girls, and make sure they get through each day.

But I can tell you one thing. I will never again take for granted the time I have with my husband, and my children. So often we just go through the motions of life, the day to day things, without really paying attention to what we have right in front of us. Sometimes, you dont realize what you really have until its gone, even for just a short period of time. I am learning the hard way to embrace each and every single day, as if it is my last.

But, as strange as it sounds, I would not change a thing. Everyday is new to me, and I am pushing my own personal boundaries and limits. I know that I can do things on my own, and that what I am going through wont last forever.

Today is a new day.