~~~ New Blogging Home~~~

Hi Everyone.

Just wanted to let everyone (if anyone) who reads know that since I have begun a new life as a military wife, that my blog must change as well. Therefore, I have created a new blog, here at blogger.

Please direct yourself to my new location :

www.dayinthelifemilitarywife.blogspot.com

This is where I will be blogging on as close to a daily basis as possible.

I'm back!!!

Wow, what a long break its been!!

I have never been so busy in my entire life! But, we are moved, and settled into our new home, here in Borden, Ontario, and I must say, I love it here!

The weather is absolutely wonderful, my house is spacious and safe, and my children are really, truly happy. They have alot of friends, who come to get them early in the morning, and they don't come in until dinner time. By the time bedtime comes, they are both thoroughly exhausted and content, and can't wait to do it all over again the next day.

Were slowly settling into Military life, still is kinda weird seeing Erik in combats everyday, but I am learning to welcome each day for what it is, a fresh, new day to become something wonderful.

I have had a week or so to start exploring, and slowly, I am branching out on my own. I don't get lost on base as much anymore (haha), and I can venture into 2 neighboring towns whenever I want or need to on my own, and know that I can safely make it home. I go into Angus, Ontario quite frequently to the grocery stores there, and a few other outlet stores. We have also adventured into Alliston (New Tecumseth), Ontario to buy patio furniture. Its amazing to drive such a short drive to town, but to see such expansive farms in between.

I let Erik drive into the larger neighboring city, Barrie, Ontario, because I'm still a bit nervous of the 8 lane highways. Its so interesting to explore the surrounding areas, and I can't wait for the Farmers markets to start to open.

I have also, believe it or not, made a few friends already! The parents of the kids that my girls play with are really great, helpful people. They help out with questions I might have, and they give great advice as to how things work being a Military family, I'm trying to absorb as much of their knowledge as possible!!

So, so far so good :)

Erik left this morning at 5am for 2 nights/3days in the field, so these are my first few nights alone at home with the girls.

Today was fantastic! I took them outside to play in the kiddie pool that Jen, our neighbor sets up each morning (shes a stay at home mom that watches kids as daycare up here is hard to get into, waiting lists are rediculously long), as well as the home made water slide, and the kids play, all day long. Its nice to sit with other mothers and chat, tan, and watch the kids grow.

Both of my girls were completely exhausted by dinner time, and are now both asleep, and its only 7pm here!!!

I'm going to spend the rest of my evening with a good book curled up in the lazy boy, downstairs with the A/C on.

It feels great to be back on track!!

Total. Chaos.

Moving time.

Everything from moms on its way to Fredericton (we bought ALOT while we were here).

Military movers coming this week, and kidnapping...err moving all of our stuff.

4 bedroom house ready for us to move into.

We leave on June 9th.

Arrive on June 10th.

Moving truck arrives June 12th.

I live in total chaos right now, but I can't wait to get to my new house!!!

Long overdue

Boy, how time flies.

So, an update in a nutshell.

Well, we are gearing up for our move to Borden, Ontario. Erik is currently on his SQ course, and he will complete that course on May 16th. If all things go well, we will be moving up winith a week or 2 of that date. On May 18th we will recieve our PMQ, so I'm hoping Erik will have a week of leave shortly after for us to drive up together.

Right now were playing the waiting game for the movers, because they need to come and do estimates and go through all of our belongings. Right now everything of ours is packed from when I moved in November after Erik left for basic training, but apparently, from what I hear, they will inspect our packed boxes, and repack items according to their standards.

Once they pack up our stuff, it will be given an inventory number, and sent to a warehouse, to be placed on a larger truck possibly with one or two other families belongings, that will go to the same area.

This is my biggest worry, that our stuff wont make it to Ontario, but I know that is the least of my worries. As long as we all make it there ok, we have won the battle. I'm looking forward to having my own home again, my family all together for the first time in AGES. I'm looking forward to meeting all of Eriks EME buddies (EME is the "company" hes in, Maintenance Company), and I'm looking forward to my girls getting back into a daily routine. The biggest thing I'm looking forward to is Kallie and Tiana having their own rooms!!

The kids are excited to move as well, because they will have daddy back. They both get so excited to talk to him on the phone and they are both scared to death to let him out of their sights when he leaves. Tiana is excited to start school in the fall, in a new school. Tiana will have her "princess" room, and Kallie will have her "Tinkerbell" room.

Move things aside, things are going really well. The car works wonderfully, and mom is finally starting to get better. The infection is gone, and today she had her picc line removed, and IV pump disconnected. Now, she is on daily antibiotics to ensure that the infection stays gone, and her walking and flexibility is really well. If things keep going well, mom's looking at going back to work at the end of June/beginning of July.

I'm hoping, once things with teh house and mom settle a bit, i will have more time to blog, and get around to visit others blogs. Right now, I don't have enough minutes in the day!

Changes ahead...

Helllllo, its me, again.

So, things here at home have been finally really good. Erik flew in at 12:45 am on the 24th of March, and I couldn't be happier! You never realize how small some thing are that you fight over, until you don't have someone to fight with them over. Now that hes home for a few weeks, I'm not taking any time to fight over stupid petty things.

We have talked alot of things over, and we have straightened out alot of things, and I really believe that we will be ok.

One of the biggest changes that will come for us, is the biggest one thus far.

We have decided that the kids and I are going to move to Ontario to be with Erik for the remainder of his training. They expect him to be there for another 8-10 months, and we work best as a team, when we are together to face issues head on.

Were not sure when this move will happen, as everything in the military is " hurry up and wait ", but as soon as I know, I will share it. We could possibly be going with him on April 12 or 13th, to be housed in a hotel until they have a PMQ for us, or we may go up a few weeks later, with Erik coming home to drive up with us. Were not quite sure, but hopefully we will have an idea this week or next.

I am hoping and praying for this one thing to go smooth for us. We could really use a bit of luck on this move, so that we all get there as a family, together, to face the challenges of living in a new city, and province together.

The kids are excited to move, and to have a home again. A place that is ours, with no one else to interfere. Tiana is excited for a Princess room, and Kallie for her Tinkerbell room, even thought I know she would much prefer Wall-e.

Erik is looking forward for us to be together again, and for us to have activities to do as a family. He has a few programs picked out that he would like for us to all take part in, and surprisingly, the first one he chose is a couples program in Communication. I'm looking forward to exploring things for us, and seeing how much better things can and will be.

Today was my moms surprise party, and we now call her Captian Oblivious. SHe has no idea, even as she walked up the front deck, with the " over the hill " balloons, and the "happy 50th" balloons, she didn't even notice!! We walked in, saw everyone there, and my aunt, after a few moments, goes "so, umm....SURPRISE! HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!"

All she could say is "what?!?!"

It was great:)

The cake I ordered was SPECTACULAR!!! oh my goodness, I couldn't have asked for a more amazing cake!! I am so completely shocked and impressed, that I'm looking for another reason to get another one made!!

Things are good. Finally, thingshere are good.

Finally!! Some GOOD news!!!!

Hi there!

After all that has happened the last few weeks, with moms second knee surgery, andd the things with the dog, I was really getting desperate for some type of good news.

AND!!!!

We finally got some!!

Erik is coming home for a 2 week compassionate leave, that they ( a doctor, a social worker, and a padre) decided was necessary based upon his health and mental well being. For the last few weeks, since the BS had started with them not knowing about his courses, and then telling him that he wasn't skilled, he hasn't been able to keep any food down, and he cannot sleep. He is constantly throwing up, and doesn't have energy to do anything. Not to mention the emotional strain of things going south between him and I.

I am so happy that he is coming home for a short break. We have alot of things to work on to save our relationship, but I know we can do it:) He said he wants to "talk" about things (military) when he comes home, and decide what to do and where to go from there. Whatever it is he decides to do, I'm going to support him.

If things go correctly, we will be home tomorrow night!

Mom is finally out of the hospital, with a Mid line in her arm, and her new best friend being an IV pump machine that sits in a black shoulder bag. It will give her 3 doses of antibiotics a day, every 8 hours. We need to go every day to get the bag changed , but such is life if mom wants to stay home. After the IV meds are complete, she has to take another 6 months of antibiotics by mouth. Hopefully, things are on the right track.

Speaking of mom, I have been in the process of planning a surprise party for her 50th birthday, and its just about all pulled together!!! It all goes down this Sunday. I have a wonderful lady making her a 2 tiered birthday cake, and i can't wait to see it! She does some amazing wedding cakes, so I know it will be beautiful! It will be at my aunts house, and all of her family is in on it. I can't wait to see her face when she walks in!!! She thinks there is a baby shower for my pregnant cousin on Sunday there, so its funny talking about helping getting things together for it with her, cause she's helping for her own party!!!

I know she will be more than happy on Sunday, after all that she's been through.

Finally!! Something I can be excited about!!!

~Update~ Devastated

I received word today from the police that the dog has been euthanized, as of this morning.

Agriculture department is going to take her body for testing, to see if there was anything medically wrong with her that could have caused what happened.

After having my dog so long, and after feeling like I really knew and understood her personalty, I have chosen to believe that it wasn't "her" that did this. The real her may have been trapped inside somewhere, or maybe the real her was gone by then, but what attacked my baby wasn't the dog I knew and loved so much.

My heart aches knowing that my beloved dog is gone, but I know, in the end, that this was the best decision. She had become vicious, and I can't stand to watch as another person is hurt by her, with her being in the twisted place that she was in.

After all of this I still love my dog, more than any other pet I have ever had. I miss her so much that my heart aches. I had to make sure that no other children, or people for that matter were hurt, and I know she is at peace now with whatever was tormenting her, and she is her old self up in puppy heaven.

Kallie is healing very well. The wounds inside of her mouth are almost completely healed, and the ones on her lip outside are closing in nicely. From the looks of things, she may not even scar from this, which would be a bonus.

Time will heal wounds, but what happened to her is burned into my memory. It will take some time, but i'm sure things will go back to normal, as normal normal ever is.

Devastated

Saturday had to be the worst.....day.....of...my...life.

Saturday around 5pm, my daughter, Kallie (2 yrs old) was attacked by our family dog. Not, bit, not snipped at, full blown attacked.

I am so luck that I was in the room when it happened, because I can honestly say that I believe she would be dead if I hadn't been.

I have never been so completely and utterly devastated......so shocked...and so in the dark. The dog grabbed her by the face, mainly her lip. I had to kick my dog as hard as I could to get her to let go of the baby.

I could tell that if i didn't kick her, she would not have let her go. The dogs head was thrashing back and forth, and the growl that was coming out of her was that of a completely different dog.....it wasn't my dog that did this.

In a panic, I hit the redial button on my moms phone, and thank god it was my sisters phone number that it called. She lives only 2 blocks down the street. All I could say in between screams and tears was" Kallie's bleeding!!! get here now!! Kallie's bleeding!!!" .

Erik phoned about 2 seconds later, to which I screamed the same thing to him, even though I knew he couldn't get here.

When i hung up with Erik, my sister and her boyfriend were coming through the door. Michelle's boyfriend Mike found the dog, and took her outside, and Michelle called 911. Tiana, in the meantime, was curled up under a blanket hiding in my mothers favorite chair, crying, scared to death.

A few minutes later, the police came through the door, ready to draw their guns if the dog was still in the house, and vicious. Paramedics followed.

Once we got the bleeding controled, we finally were able to see the extent of the attack.

5 complete through the lip punctures, through her top lip, on the right side, just under her nose. Multiple lacterations to the inside of her lip, from the dogs teeth. She has scratches across the top of her nose, as well as under her chin.

they loaded kallie up, and took her to the ambulance, and we headed for the hospital, Tiana stayed with my sister.

I guess animal control showed up after the ambulance left.

The doctors cleaned Kallie up, and none of the wounds were able to be closed by glue or stitches. We were told to keep the wounds clean, and keep antibacterial cream on them, like polysporin. All of kallie's immunizations are up to date, so no need for tetanus.

I still can't believe this happened. Nia was my baby, I had her for almost 10 yrs. She has never so much as growled at someone, let alone snip or bite at someone. Animal control said that her breed is virtually safe for people, never heard of attacks from a lab/collie mix before.

I don't know why she snapped. There has been alot of confusion with mom in and out of hospital, but she seemed fine. The attack was completely unprovoked. The dog was sleeping by the back door, and Kallie was going to sit in my mom's favorite chair, and the dog attacked.

Kallie is feeling alot better already, swelling is gone, and the wounds are healing nicely, there's a good chance she won't scar...but I will be scarred forever from this. Not only did my child get injured, but we lost a loved family pet. I don't think I could ever put my heart into another dog, after this happened. I am such a dog lover, and I fall in love so easily with them, but I could never, never trust a dog after this.

I'm just so thankful that my baby is ok. She's ok.

A very proud surprise:)

I know, how can you be proud of a surprise??

Let me explain.

I keep regular emails with Erik's uncle, JP. He is the caretaker of Erik's Grandmother ( she will be 87 this year), and he has literally dedicated his life to her well being and happiness.

A little background into this part of Erik's family.

Erik used to spend almost entire summers with his Grandmaman. Even after his mom and dad divorced when he was little, she actually was written into the custody agreements to have visitation to him. Erik is her first born grandchild. He tells me amazing stories of things he used to do when he was little with his cousins growing up in Bathurst, and other small cities throughout New Brunswick.

But he never spoke much of Grandpapa. All I knew for the longest time, was that he died when Erik was only 2, and that he didn't remember much of anything of his Grandfather.

Well, over the last few months that Erik has been away, I have learned alot about his grandpapa, and I am so proud, and so amazed to be a part of this family.

Here are some of the amazing things that Erik and I have learned.

Grandpapa was a military man, as a matter of fact, he was a Lieutenant. This is why it was one of Erik's biggest dreams to be in the Military, was to follow in his grandfather's footsteps, even though we have only recently found out what HUGE footsteps they were.

Lt. Phillip Chiasson was a war hero. A decorated war hero.

He was wounded in action, but refused to give up his mission, and his only complaint was that he was angry that his wrist watch was blown off.

At the time he was on the front lines in the war, he was in the same platoon on the front lines as Erik's grandmothers brother., so his brother in law.

His brother in law was hit by a grenade, and it tore off the majority of the back of one of his legs. Grandpapa went into oncoming enemy fire, to drag his brother in law back to safety and to the aid of medics, and actually saved his life.

After I learned this, I understood why Erik's grandmother was so proud. Still to this day, after learning that, I am filled with pride, to be part of this family, their history, and the history that is yet to be made.

Now, after learning all of this, on Erik's behalf, I asked JP a little bit about his father ( Grandpapa), and what medals he had recieved for his heroism and bravery, and a little bit about his father's personailty, to pass along to Erik so that we together could learn what his grandfather was like.

Jp shared my request with Grandmaman, and he decided to do one better. He told us that we are the first people in the family that had wanted any knowledge of grandpapa's military life, and its importance to grandmaman and grandpapa. So, she had decided that she was going to give us the actual medals that he was decorated with, throughout his entire career.

We, were, and still are completely floored. This is something that is so huge for Erik, to be given something, one of the only things his grandmaman has left of her husband, to us. She wanted them to go to someone that would appreciate them when she was gone, and didn't want them to collect dust, and it took literally 28 years for that someone to come along, and it was Erik.

Erik didn't believe me when i told him this, so I had to actually forward the series of emails to him from JP. Erik cried. this is so important to him, and so very much appreciated by us that we can hardly find the words. We are anxiously awaiting our next visit to grandmaman once Erik returns home.

I can't wait to see these medals, and more importantly, I can't wait to hear the stories, and be part of the laughter and tears that will come with these stories. I can't wait to see Erik's face when he lays eyes on those medals for the first time, to see and feel the immense amount of pride that I know he has now, and will continue to have.

I am learning to appreciate all of the stories that are being passed along, and further more, I am looking forward to the stories that we will create ourselves, so that someday, our grandchildren might want to know something about their past.

There you have it....a very proud surprise:)

Quarantined!!!

At least I should be.

Honestly, myself, and both of my girls are so sick, that the heat in this house from fevers could kill the devil himself.

Kallie started it off on saturday, with a trip to the hospital after throwing up, fever of 38.7, and not eating or drinking all day, and she increasingly became more and more listless. Thank god we got in right away, the nurse took one lookat her and in we went, when normall there is a 4-8 hour wait time to get into outpatient care.

A few xrays, and some fever reducer later, Kallie finally said her first word of the day...." puppy". Best word I have ever heard. We walked outta there wil around 300$ worth of prescriptions....2 inhalers, an infants air chamber, and some antibiotic for a chest/ear infection. She's back to her normal self today.

Tiana started getting the fever and cough and runny nose on Sunday, and Moi, today. I honestly feel like I have been hit by a truck, I haven't been this sick in a really long time. Hopefully it goes as fast as it came on, cause this sucks.

So, we headed to St Jean sur le Richilieu Quebec on Wednesday. The kids did awesome for a 10 hour drive there, no fights or crying fits, and only 2 stops. Got to the hotel okay, dropped off our stuff, and hit up the pool for a bit to get the kids soem much needed exercise.

Well, I must say, Kallie has turned out to be quite the water kamikaze!! She has absolutely no fear of the pool. She would actually walk over tot he side of the pool and just step in, not even a flinch. She was actually holding hands and jumping in after the first few minutes, it was so cute!!! Her sister on the other hand, was afraid to do anything. She basically stood in the water that was up to her chest. Oh well, she'll get comfortable at her own rate:)

We went to St Huberts restaurant for dinner, and O-M-G, it was amazing! Rotisserie chicken that just melted off the bones. Kids meals in little pop up yellow cars, it was really fun!

After we for dinner, we headed back to the hotel, because Erik would be allowed visitation. He showed up at the hotel for 6pm, and stayed until just after 9 pm. The kids had a ball, jumping all over daddy, and telling him things they've done, and shortly after he arrived, they were both so tired that they went to sleep. Erik left early around 9:15, because he still had to shine his boots for the graduation on Thursday afternoon.

Thursday was a hard day for me, very emotional, but it was wonderful. The kids got to see dady following the ceremony for about an hour and a half before we hit the road. The ceremony itself was completely awe inspiring. To know that the people graduating only 13 weeks earlier were just everyday people, to see them responding so in tune and so tightly together to their drill sargeant, it was just amazing. Erik looked so handsome in his dress uniform:)

We arrived home in Fredericton at 3am on Friday. we all slept for a bit, and i was ready and back on the road back here to my moms house a bit after 8 am. Mom's had some more infection complications from her knee replacement, that she's on a new antibiotic, and another spot in her incision has opened up for drainage.

We should know whats going on with that on Wednesday.

Erik is currently in Borden, Ontario, awaiting further instruction on where and when our posting is, as well as when his next training course is. We have talked and discussed alot of the things that were problematic between us, and this has helped some of the tension and frustrations that we have here at home.

All is well now, except for these damn colds!!!

Why I hate the Military.

So. Here we are, 2 days before Were supposed to leave to pick up Erik from training in Quebec.

Friday, Erik phones, and begs me not to be upset, so I knew it was something bad.

They tell him Friday, that he is going to have to report to Borden, Ontario for a short training program after graduation, before he goes to his posting. Their idea of short is " I don't know, anywhere from 3-9 months".

Fuck you Military.

We were told from the beginning, that where Erik has been settled into a trade for 6 years, and the last 2 of those years being a civilian working on Military vehicles, he required no furhter training after his BMQ course, which he finishes this week.

Yea, this is the part where I get " the military is unpredictable, you never know what to expect, you should have known that this was going to happen, it was a possibility" shoved down my throat from countless people.

From the beginning, from his sargeants, from his petty officers, even from the Warrant Officer, he was told that he would go directly to his posting. Everyone in his entire platoon have recieved offical posting orders, they all recieved them about 2 weeks ago, but Erik still has no clue whats going on.

What pisses me off to no extent is the fact that were being treated as his family as if we do not exist, while other platoon members of his that are all going through divorces, are all being given compassionate leave before repoting to their postings to take care of "family" issues. Erik was told that He would not be given time to see his family.

The next thing that pisses me off, is being told by almos teveryone I know that its wrong for me to want my husband home. That I am going to take his dreams from him if he comes home. That I wouldn't be a good wife if I allowed him to leave training so close to the end, because I can't deal with him being gone.

I can deal with him being gone. I can't deal with my children not getting to see their father. I can't deal with the fact that he has just missed out on the last 3 months of their lives....their bedtime stories, their growth, their laughter, and now hes going to miss posibly the next 9 months as well??

I'm expected to be ok with this because they want to add an additional $5000 to his signing bonus. Big deal. Are they going to give him back the last year of his kids lives that he missed?? And further more, are they going to provide the marriage counselling that we will need after having been apart for a year??

This is the part where I get the part from one of my last posts shoved down my throat about love being able to withstand distance. Yea, it can. I never said that I would stop loving my husband if he went. But can anyone who hasn't been through this honestly be able to say that after not seeing your husband for a year, that you would just be able to have things go back to normal as if he never left?

For the last 3 months, every phone call he has made home, every letter he has sent, in not one has he asked how I was, or our children. He always speaks of what he has done that day, who he hangs out with, his trips to Montreal on weekends and such. How can people sit there and judge me for questioning the stability of my marriage, and the ability of our marriage to survive another training course, if you have never felt as emotionally abandoned as I have been feeling??Since he has been gone, I have watched (through photo's), and listended to him turn into a completely different man than I knew before he left, and even still, I feel like I barely knew the man he was before he left. People expect me to be ok when Erik comes home from this, as if nothing happened and I don't know if that will happen. Only time will tell I guess.

This is all so frustrating, and after an entire weekend of being told that this all has NOTHING to do with me or my kids, and being told that I don't exist right now, I am about ready to go Postal.

Basically, everything he has done so far, ON HIS CHOICE, rides on the information he recieves today. I would not ask him to give up his dreams of serving in the military, but if he considers this, its on his own personal choice. He has come so far, and If he decides that its not worth it, its his decision.

Even tho I say this, I know everyone will in turn blame me for him quitting if he does decide to go home. Everyone will say that I made it too hard on him, that I didn't support him, bal bla bla....which is all bullshit.

He will even tell everyone that, because god knows, when he was freaking out about facing a 40 foot high cage that he has to climb, go across, and go down the other side, it was me that encouraged him that he could do it, that it was one less hurdle for him, and that he would laugh about it in the end.

But no one listens to the little things that you help people through, they only focus on the bigger fails.

So call me a horrible wife, tell me that I'm being rediculous for thinking and feeling the way I do, but until you have personally gone through it with children in tow, things change. I'm not feeling the way I do for me. I'm feeling the way I feel for my children.

No one particularily cares on how I feel personally, nor do I, but I will protect the feelings of my girls.

This is all so tiring, so frustrating. I have cried more this weekend than I have in the last few years of my life. I have made decisions and changed them more this weekend than I have in my life.

So come on world, bring it on today. It can't get worse than this weekend has been.

Quebec in 2 days.

5 days....

We leave for Quebec in 5 days!!!

We can see Erik for 3 hours on Wednesday night, and his big graduation is on Thursday at 2pm.

I
Can't
Wait!!!!!

I'm excited to see the big production that is graduation, the parade, the soldiers in their parade dress. I know there will be alot of tears that day, as the pride pours through. I will also be crying tears of relief, that we made it through being apart for 3 months, and we will finally be all together again.

I'm looking forward to living in our own space again, on our own, with no outside interference. Don't get me wrong, I love my in laws, and I love my mom, but sometimes, having their input on every...little...thing can make you want to scream. This has really been the hardest few months of my life, but surprisingly, the majority of it has not been from my kids, the majority of the stress and anxiety has been due to input from family, from stuff like finances, to who I can have as freinds, and in general being made to feel like I need to prove my worth everyday.

For alot of the time Erik has been away, I have been made to feel like I don't deserve to have the husband that I have, the life that i have, or the support that I have from friends and family. I have been made to feel like nothnig I ever do or say will ever bee good enough, and for the most part, like I'm not good enough to be part of the family.

But, I know that God puts people together with who they are ment to be with. When you marry, he separates you from your family, so that you and your loved one can create a hole new family, and in the end, how his family see's me doesn't matter.

I am working on being able to speak up about these kinds of things, and I am learning how to better control how I let other make me feel, and how to not let them interfere with my emotions.

I have learned that when its ment to be, love can sustain you for no matter how long you are apart. That not having him here every night isn't punishment, its a blessing in disguise. Having him here with me every night is a blessing, and I can't wait for him to be home.

Our girls mark off each day on the calendar until we leave for his graduation. Tiana asks me constantly how much longer until we go get daddy. They keep reminding me that they need to take their " daddy bears", and that they're going to sleep in a hotel on an adventure.

5. More. days!!!

14 business days and counting.....

Until my husband comes home.

I can't believe it!

Thank you to everyone who commented and checked in on me after my last post, I was really, really in a bad place that day. I have never felt so down, so completely bare, and bruised. I really appreciate the good friends that I do have, and its times like that that it really proves to you that you are not alone, so thanks alot Ni, for bringing me back to a bit of light, and helping me realize that I don't have to be alone.

This week and next week, Erik will spend in the field. He told me last night in our last conversation that he will be "kidnapped" this week or next week sometime, by the sister platoon, to be held hostage. it his his duty as a Canadian Solider to escape, or die trying, (not literally) before his platoon rescues him. They nominated him due to the outstanding improvements that he has made while there, and because of his outstanding leadership that he has proven thus far.

We will head to Richelain, Quebec on March 4th for Erik's graduation parade on March 5th. If things go well, he will be coming home with us on the 6th. Keep your fingers crossed!!

I have also developed a plan to help myself out of this place that I am in right now. I know that for my own sanity, and so I don't commit complete social suicide ( my friends list is so short, its standing on the edge of a bridge wanting to jump), I have decided that I want and need to go back to school. I have a program chosen, and after my mothers recent hospital stay (she was released today), I know it is the perfect choice for me.

Once things are settled with Erik into his posting, I will be applying for school, and I am SO excited for that! The course is 2 years long, and not crazy expensive, so I will be able to pay for it without financial aid.

On a different note, my girls got a present in the mail from their daddy today....they each recieved a small black grizzly bear, with a beret and military battle gear on. They are SO adorable!!! Kallie walks around the house with hers, saying " my daddy...", and Tiana's is up in bed, waiting for her to sleep with.

14 more LONG business days.

Almost there!

Breaking Point....

Ever feel like you've reached the end, can't go any further, don't know what to do, or if there is anything that can be done??

I think I'm there.

I'm so tired.

Tired of not existing, but tired of existing.

I'm tired of feeling unimportant. Unneeded.

I have spent most of my young life putting everyone else's needs first. my family. My husband, my so called friends. And yet, in my greatest time of need, not one of my friends will stop to take 5 minutes of of their lives to even ask how I am.

I feel so used. As if once I'm done giving what someone wants, I'm pushed away, swept under the rug, whatever you want to call it.

I realize now that I don't have many REAL friends. none that would drop anything in my time of need to be with me. No one to come and talk when I have had a hard day. All I get is " If I can find time", or " I don't know if I can make it", or " I'm too busy".

I sat in the hospital for 9 hours yesterday. Not one person texted me to see how things were. Not one person called to check on things. I heard not a single, comforting voice the entire time. I spent the hours pacing, sitting along the corridor outside of the surgery suite waiting for someone to come out to tell me my mom was ok. Everyone else I saw there had friends, or loved ones there to go through the extremely stressful time of the unknown with them.

I had no one but me.

Hell, come last night, when Erik phoned, he didn't know that my mom was just out of surgery. He had completely forgotten that her surgery was that day, even though I had spoken to him about an hour before we went to the hospital. I feel as though the one person in this world who is supposed to be there with me (even though at the moment, he can only be there with words) has emotionally abandoned me. Not once since he's been gone has he asked about how i was. It took until yesterday for me to clue into that. He always asks about everyone else, but not me.

Why am I expected to always have myself "together?" Why am I always expected to be the strong one? Why is it that when I break down, I have no one?

When will I be seen for the selfless person that I am striving to be? I try my hardest to do everything and anything I can for anyone who needs me, but yet, whenever anything happens in my life, I am just expected to hold my shit together. Where are my friends and family when I need them? Why can't I be treated as important as everyone who is important to me?

I'm running completely on empty. I have nothing left to give, to contribute to a world that can't contribute anything back.

But, come tomorrow, I will wash away the tears from the night before, apply makeup to cover the circles from no sleep, and trudge on through another day. I don't know why I do this to myself. Maybe its because I am seeking the true relationship of friendship, maybe its because i still feel like I need to prove myself to everyone.

This is how I feel.

This is my life.

Surgery update, and rant.

Surgery was successful, and all went perfectly.

They had a hard time stabilizing my moms pain control, but they now have her on Morphine every 6 minutes to help the pain.

Now the rant.

I never write about my sister because she is a waste of fucking air. I know this seems harsh, but honestly, when nothing benefits her, she's as reliable as a snail.

The only thing I begged of her was to watch my girls so I could be at the hospital, learning how to support my mother when she is discharged and recovering at home. This means getting her in and out fo bed, bathed, dressed, up and down stairs, in and out of chairs, etc. I have not asked her once to help with prescription costs, or costs of the rental equipment that she needs in place here at home she she can be home safely. I have even gone as far as to give her some money to do things with my girls through the day so that they are occupied, and not staring into a tv all day.

She watched them yesterday while my mom was in surgery. Ya fucking hoo.

She swore to me, promised me on my mothers recovery that she would be here by 8:30 am so i could be at the hospital for 9am to meet with my physiotherapist to start learning how to do things.

She hasn't shown up.

Go figure.

Now, I need to find babysitting arrangments for my kids until Monday when my mother is discharged.

She's fucked with the wrong person.

Her days of being a blood sucker to me and my mother are OVER.

I mean, honestly, is it so wrong of me to expect her to hold up to her agreement to be here on time when I am doing everything else on my own?

Stressed out. Exhausted.

Nothing I can do though.

Surgery Day

Well, were finally here.

My mom goes in a little later today for Total Knee Replacement Surgery. Very serious surgery for her, and I am petrified.

Admitting at 12 noon, surgery at 1:30pm. I'm not sure how long the surgery will take, but I do know that following surgery she will be in the hospital up to 7 days.

Once all is said and done, I will update with how things went.

Wish us luck!

Yay! A new post!

I've been a very busy girl!

Road trips, packing, unpacking.....too much going on.

Erik is doing well, he left this morning for his first week " in the field". I wont hear from him again until Saturday, but I know he will do great in the field!

He returns to base Saturday, and spends week 10 there. Weeks 11 and 12 are back in the field, and his last week, week 13 is spent preparing for his graduation, on March 5th. I can't wait to see him in his battle dress, in the parade. I am so proud!

Next week we will get his posting orders, and, well, I'm nervous about this. My mom is having major surgery next week, and will be out of work to recouperate for the next 6 months, and I know she really needs me here for that. I'm really afraid that we will get shipped across the country, but, I guess we can't count chickens until they are hatched.

So, the remainder of this week will be spend packing up my clothes, the kids clothes, and making sure our rooms are clean and squared away for us leaving. I'm nervous that I'll forget something here that I know I'll need, but I can only take so much. I have a few days to go back and forth and get things squared away, so I'm sure it will all work in the end!

In the losing weight department...well. I'm doing fantastic! I'm down 45 lbs, and 6 pant sizes...I actually went and bought new jeans the other day, and I freaked out cause they are size 34!!!!! I haven't fit into a size 34 since 2003!!!

Exhaustion, and other nice things

What. A. Night.

*yawn*

I thought I was going to get a great nights sleep last night, headed to bed at 9:45pm, got comfy, and started to dream. Kallie was up screaming at 11.

Sigh.

Got her back to sleep at 12:20am. Went back to bed myself. Couldn't get to sleep, my stomach was so upset, and it felt like someone was taking a knife to my intestines. Joy. The stomach problems continue. FInally crashed and burned at 2 am, only to be woken up again at 2:30am, by Kallie.

Got her comfortable and sleepy again, went back to bed myself at 3:30am.

Woken by Kallie's nightmare screams at 4:30am.

Got her settled down again, and fell asleep again at 5am.

Here I am, watching Kallie dance in front of the tv to Bo on the go. SHe was up ready to rock at 6:30am.

Sigh.

Erik's been gone 2 weeks, another 6 left until his graduation. NOt sure how many weeks until hes "home" again.

Happy Friday.

Happy New Year:)

Well, Yes, I did disappear for a while.

I was enjoying my time with my family, with all of us being together for the few weeks that Erik was/is home for holidays from training. He leaves again this coming Sunday to go back, and he graduates his training program on March 5th, if all goes well.

The holidays were fantastic for us! The kids made out really well, and mommy even did well for the first time ever. Erik bought me a watch, silver, with a pink face, and its covered in Diamonds!! I have to send him away more often, he brings home nice gifts!! I also recieved loads of pajama pants, from those loved ones who know how much I hate to get dressed!!

We travelled alot, and I actually got to do alot of driving myself, where I am liscensed to drive now:) We took the kids to Bathurst to visit Grandmaman, and all of Erik's cousins that are down from all over the country for the holidays. We also made a few trips to Saint John to visit my family.

We spent our New year eve in Saint John, taking my mom to run some errands, and getting Erik new sneakers for training. We came home to Fredericton around 7pm. I did my mother in laws hair for a local dance thing she and her husband were going to for New Years, and I started to not feel so great.

I have had this damn head cold for about 5 days now, and my head doesn't feel sick anymore, but I feel completely out of balance. I'm still blowing my nose constantly though, 3 rolls of TP, and 3 boxes of Puffs with Vicks lotion later, and I'm still blowing strong. It took me until 2:30 this morning to get to sleep, and I was up at 7.

Today, me and Erik are making a big ham dinner, with all the trimmings. Should be our last big meal together as a family. Erik flies out on Sunday at 12pm.

I hope everyone had wonderful holidays, and a safe New Year:)

Oh, and big CONGRATS to Kelly on her engagement!!!