Breaking Point....

Ever feel like you've reached the end, can't go any further, don't know what to do, or if there is anything that can be done??

I think I'm there.

I'm so tired.

Tired of not existing, but tired of existing.

I'm tired of feeling unimportant. Unneeded.

I have spent most of my young life putting everyone else's needs first. my family. My husband, my so called friends. And yet, in my greatest time of need, not one of my friends will stop to take 5 minutes of of their lives to even ask how I am.

I feel so used. As if once I'm done giving what someone wants, I'm pushed away, swept under the rug, whatever you want to call it.

I realize now that I don't have many REAL friends. none that would drop anything in my time of need to be with me. No one to come and talk when I have had a hard day. All I get is " If I can find time", or " I don't know if I can make it", or " I'm too busy".

I sat in the hospital for 9 hours yesterday. Not one person texted me to see how things were. Not one person called to check on things. I heard not a single, comforting voice the entire time. I spent the hours pacing, sitting along the corridor outside of the surgery suite waiting for someone to come out to tell me my mom was ok. Everyone else I saw there had friends, or loved ones there to go through the extremely stressful time of the unknown with them.

I had no one but me.

Hell, come last night, when Erik phoned, he didn't know that my mom was just out of surgery. He had completely forgotten that her surgery was that day, even though I had spoken to him about an hour before we went to the hospital. I feel as though the one person in this world who is supposed to be there with me (even though at the moment, he can only be there with words) has emotionally abandoned me. Not once since he's been gone has he asked about how i was. It took until yesterday for me to clue into that. He always asks about everyone else, but not me.

Why am I expected to always have myself "together?" Why am I always expected to be the strong one? Why is it that when I break down, I have no one?

When will I be seen for the selfless person that I am striving to be? I try my hardest to do everything and anything I can for anyone who needs me, but yet, whenever anything happens in my life, I am just expected to hold my shit together. Where are my friends and family when I need them? Why can't I be treated as important as everyone who is important to me?

I'm running completely on empty. I have nothing left to give, to contribute to a world that can't contribute anything back.

But, come tomorrow, I will wash away the tears from the night before, apply makeup to cover the circles from no sleep, and trudge on through another day. I don't know why I do this to myself. Maybe its because I am seeking the true relationship of friendship, maybe its because i still feel like I need to prove myself to everyone.

This is how I feel.

This is my life.